Growth

I apparently had more to say. Full Moons always have you in your feelings but this one is landing on me with a precise gust of wind. I thought I had spilled everything for this cycle, but apparently I wasn’t done sweeping through the differences and similarities between the words on my mind.

A sister said “How’s your heart?” to me as opposed to the standard “how are you?” and I didn’t know how to act. I hadn’t stopped to ask myself that that day because I was too caught up in how the words of a friend had landed on said heart. I was raw in that emotion and was super grateful that the sister friend heard my words and let me feel seen enough to enjoy myself at the fundraiser that we were at.

I was able to move and work through the energy that was stagnating in my body that I knew didn’t belong to me. Now I don’t think that I am an empath, but I do know that I am deeply sensitive to touch, and will pick up on vibrations easily. It doesn’t matter whether they are low are high, for better or for worse.

In reading my own offerings about how someone’s words had caused such an embodied response, I realized that I had been the same person. Not all the time, but I definitely thought of one exchange in particular. I shared what I thought was a call in that ended up landing as a call out. Intent versus impact is tremendous. Granted, my intuition says that I didn’t necessarily have the wrong message, but my overstanding of the situation now says that I didn’t have to share that knowledge. I could have stepped completely back, especially considering that it had appeared as though my words weren’t landing quite the same anymore as it was. Ego said I didn’t.

Those “On This Day” notifications on Facebook get me every time because of this duality. Because of that contradiction of memories not living like the people do. This juxtaposition that says at any given moment, if you haven’t gotten on the other side of it, you might get triggered or brought back to a place you are not trying to go. I struggle sometimes with pictures and albums that I took, especially from high school, that I want to either make private or take down completely. There’s also this neat function on Facebook where if you are triggered by someone, you can unfollow them as opposed to deleting them “permanently.”

But that function doesn’t work with the “On This Day” memories. That function doesn’t work in reality when you realize this plane of existence doesn’t have the people that you thought it would. That function really stops working when you realize that you had a role to play in why that shift occurred. No ego tripping questions of whether or not you were right or wrong, just a deep sense of loss over the growing divide.

It took being on the other side, of having thoughts and ideas shared by a friend of where they thought I could go through an experience; to reconcile that I had done the same to a friend. Ain’t that some shit? I mean I know that as a healer you are consistently doing the work to heal yourself, but this realization landed on my heart not too long ago. Not too long ago meaning I've felt the sting of this knowledge as if the winter winds were churning and stung my face. It’s been quite some time since I crossed that divide, and I had made a point to send support into the universe and trust that it reached them without me having to name it directly to them. Because I had given so much, and didn’t want to shoot out as much direct energy to them anymore and I wanted to redirect the full spectrum of light to myself. And this way of viewing the breakdown in upload/download was safer for me.

But that safety almost blocked me from understanding how my heart actually was. That safety went away completely a situation prompted the response in me that (I think) happened in the person I had harmed. This Leo season is all about learning that there are no gurus, no teachers, or prophets that can be more sacred to us than ourselves. That by doing whatever work we deem necessary, we can steer our own ship. That we can lead and not be led. I’ve already mused on disposability politics and accountability in this area of everything “old” being “New Age,” and I already know that I have the power to create and destroy anything I set my mind to do.

In another event I attended, the participants were able to offer apologies to others in the cypher and to receive them as well. This exercise allowed for intimacy to be seen and felt in ways that I could never envision happening at a “speed dating” event, but I’m glad I was mistaken. But as profound as it was to receive an apology I thought I would never get, in hindsight I’m thinking about the apologies we never give ourselves. When was the last time that you forgave yourself for something? Anything? A huge mistake or a relatively small one? In writing this piece and the one right before it, I’ve begun the process of forgiving myself for both letting someone’s words affect me so deeply and having that same impact on someone else.

In this case though, I am reminded again of the juxtaposition in situations I’ve described. The reversed image of myself, those in my inner circle, and the ones just beyond reach. My heart is doing alright because it still has room for me and all that I will be through reflections such as these. I am sorry for putting us (self) through this. I hope the hearts reading this are growing too. 

---

“No one warns you about the level of mourning in growth.”